An Ode to Dysfunctional Relationships

Shopping in the Man Meat Department

At the ripe old/young age of 25, I am finally experiencing my first bout of actual dating. I’ve had 3 serious boyfriends, but for the most part, there was not really any actual dating involved–That is, we met and the next thing I knew they were boyfriends. Since the age of 18, I’ve been the classic definition of a Serial Monogamist. While I don’t have any regrets (you live, you learn, right?), I do feel a bit behind when it comes to learning how to date. More specifically, I’m learning how to find relationships in a more normal, slower paced, not-jumping-into-the-deep-end-right-away kind of way and going further, involving myself in the whole “date more than one person at once” thing that seems to be all the rage these days.

It's okay to shop around for the right cut of meat.

When I speak of dating, I am referring to the repeated ’seeing’ of someone, or many people, when there is no clear path toward a relationship. Sure, there’s potential or you wouldn’t see the person at all, but you’re taking things slow, and feeling out a few options before you make a purchase.

Right now, I’m dating someone I like quite a bit, who seems to like me quite a bit as well. This is The Funny Curmudgeon I mentioned previously in my From Former Boyfriend to Current Friend post. While being all around great– there is one massive problem when it comes to my usual, Serial Monogamist tendencies: He’s commitment phobic and generally likes to take things super slow. This means of course, that both of us are free to pursue and date others.

So, I of course have the option to throw The Funny Curmudgeon to the curb and pursue less finicky males for the role of potential boyfriend, but I like him, and I still have the option to see others while seeing him. So, you’re thinking, “So what if you like him! He’s commitmentphobic and you’re looking for a boyfriend!” I get that, and I definitely think there is a valid point in there. However, I’m trying to break old habits of mine. I’m trying to learn to take things slowly. I’m trying to learn that the first cool guy I start dating doesn’t necessarily have to be ‘the one’. There are a lot of great guys out there, I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t just go for the first one that comes my way. The Priss calls this, ‘Man Tunnel Vision’.  There’s also absolutely nothing wrong with me keeping The Funny Curmudgeon on my radar, given that despite his ‘issues’ I still think he’s a great guy, I have a lot of fun with him, and by and large think we’re compatible so far. Plus, The Priss’s predictions about my evening in her How to Orgasm by Rachel Swift post were spot on!

In essence, this post is about me discovering the whole new world of shopping for Man Meat. There are a lot of great guys out there to discover and a lot of new and interesting experiences in the dating world to be had. So, is this what they call ’sewing your wild oats’?

How to Have an Orgasm by Rachel Swift

As I’m typing, The Sonnet is most likely having amazing and mind-blowing sex. I have spent the night in with a cup of tea and watching Fat Actress. Yes, I’m serious. The Sonnet = Orgasmic and The Priss = Teagasmic. Recently, a very close female friend of mine told me how Rachel Swift’s book How To Have An Orgasm completely changed her sexual and hence romantic life. And let me tell you, I’ve heard stories and can only dream my sex life could be, hmm, quite as rigorous as hers.

So while The Sonnet may be having some awesome shared orgasms, there’s absolutely no reason why I can’t brush up on my orgasms solo style. Google Books offers the first few chapters of How to Have an Orgasm and I found it tantalizing enough that I ordered a copy on Amazon. We’ll see how life altering this book is!

Sexual dimorphism

Sexual dimorphism is the systematic difference in form between individuals of different sex in the same species. Examples include colour (specifically referred to as sexual dichromatism), size, and the presence or absence of parts of the body used in courtship displays or fights, such as ornamental feathers, horns, antlers or tusks. – Wikipedia

Surprise, surprise: men and women have physical differences beyond primary sex organs. These differences are often referred to as secondary sex characteristics and in fancy dancy nomenclature make up what is known as sexual dimorphism (see definition above). This isn’t a review of my cultural anthropology course, but I’ve always found it fascinating that compared to almost any other mammalian species, humans have the least difference when it comes to sexual dimorphism. Still though, there seems to be a whole hell of a lot of physical options.

I always joke that I have this mythical list of what I’m looking for or trying to avoid in prospective dates and no kidding – I definitely have a few comments on what I physically want in a man. It’s not a long list, but here it is:

• Must be taller and (ideally) weigh more than me.
• Assuming he does not have a disability, needs to be able to climb a few sets of stairs without panting.

And that is really about it. The first is primarily a reference to my time (years!) dating a man smaller than me. Blame cultural expectations, but we had issues regarding this: he never felt big enough and I feel it contributed to my body image issues, which previously I had been confident about. We didn’t break up because of this, but it added certain complexities to our relationship that were difficult to deal with. For the second point, I’m in good shape and one of my favorite activities is walking – urban hikes to back country backpacking. This is something I want to be able to do with someone I’m involved with, so I am “biased” in favor of a healthy physique.

I’ve always been attracted to the long and lanky type – think scrawny soccer players, but I’m pushing myself away from that physical type to try men that are a little more sexually dimorphic than I’ve previously been involved with. Unfortunately, the skinny guys keep coming my way. One guy I’ve been seeing fits what I’m looking for perfectly, which I suppose makes me a bit more appreciative of him. I’ve never felt particularly guilty about selecting in men in part based on their physical presence, but it’s a whole new game trying to introduce myself to new and different types. I sometimes do wonder if I feel more comfortable with men that have a similar physique as me, but, you know, without the tits and ass.

Dealing with our past

There are plenty of good reasons that we start seeing someone, but once the relationship is over I don’t see much point in pardoning the “bad times” with why he really was such a great guy at the start. If he ends up being an ass, the flowers he brought at the beginning weren’t worth much. The other afternoon I was over-analyzing, second guessing, and jacking myself up, but why?

Because of one of those guys that started off with the flowers, but turned into an ass. This year there have been two over-arching themes in my romantic life:

1. Guy actively pursues me and though I’m not initially interested I *shrug* and decide to give it a whirl, and then the guy is suddenly not interested.
2. Guy actively pursues me, but he’ll only ever be a friend, which leads to an awkward silence in our relationship.

I don’t consider myself much of a melodramatic sulker in any aspect of my life, but after experiencing the first theme twice in a short period of time — I’m a bit gun shy. Now reading my previous post, I’m groaning at the desperation that exudes from it, and my god does it! A guy doesn’t contact me for three days and I’m bitching? Give me a break! But I was anticipating Round 3 of Theme 1. Now that I’m aware of this, it’s something I need to confront and conquer.

Ninja Dating Rule: Be direct.

Be direct and get through your apprehension. It's always better knowing than not knowing.

Mr. IncrediblySuperblyFantasticness

A classic moment from BBC’s Coupling. This exemplifies the attractiveness of the reformed jerk.

Just Friends

Just friends. Only friends. Nothin’ is ever gonna happen beyond friendship. We’re never, ever going to have sex. Get it? Just friends.

How do you go about telling a guy post-date that while there is friendship potential, but absolutely no chemistry or physical attraction (at least on your part)? Did we already sacrifice the friendship bit by suggesting the possibility of more by being on a “date”? Should you just come out and tell him that he’s an interesting person, but not your romantic type?

On Saturday I went out on a “thing,” which translates to me not really wanting to go out on a date, but wanting to get out of the house. We met for coffee. I made sure to show up early so there was no uncomfortable who’s buying the coffee moment. I even was careful to go with the unkempt look: no make-up, hair hastily pulled back, a baggy sweater, and Chucks. And The Triathlete shows up and he’s dorky, but athletic; socially awkward, but a lot of similar interests. Immediately I’m thinking this is someone I could catch the odd movie with, BUT the entire time I’m making eyes at a guy across the room and thinking of this other guy I had a date with.

Of course The Triathlete is interested and took notes of all the movies, books, music, etc. that I mentioned. He texted me the following day and I waited 24-hours to reply. He then texted back to check my plans for the weekend and I really ought to text back indicating that I’ll need a rain check. And now I want to tell him that he’s an interesting guy and I’d like to be friends with him. (Just friends.)

Assignment for The Sonnet

Assignment: 1-hour of physical activity!

Update from The Sonnet:

Thank you, Priss for the encouragement and the push to do something I already wanted to do, but was having trouble motivating myself to do.

For my one hour of physical activity, I started with a nice, hardy walk. I say hardy because, the area I live in has some very steep hills, and not only are the steep, but they are huge. So, I worked up a good sweat trudging up a few giant hills and the reward was two-fold– I got a great work out, and got enjoy the beautiful hilltop view over my city.

That walk took me roughly 45 minutes, so I returned and realized I had another 15 minutes to go and pulled out my Goddess Workout: Belly Dance Edition with Dolphina. I actually ended up shimmying my thang for another half an hour.

Priss, do I get extra credit?

-The Sonnet

Ninja Dating Rule: Disinterest, don’t explain it away.

If he seems disinterested then he probably is. Don't waste your time. Don't qualify, explain, or excuse his behavior.